He went through what had happened. He had been polite. He had tried to make her comfortable and he had said goodbye and walked away when she told him that she didn’t want to talk about it. To the casual observer nothing happened. It was just two people on the street talking; no one would have noticed them, there had been no scene, no shouting, no pleading, nothing. Just two people having a conversation on the street.
It had been two years since he had last spoken to her but today he had finally gotten the opportunity to try and close a door on his past even if he didn’t really want to close it. That was part of the problem too. His not wanting to let go, not wanting to move on. If he was honest with himself he still wanted to be a part of her life. He still wanted her to love him. He wanted it all back again. The closeness that they had once shared before she had gotten cold feet.
He took a cigarette from his box and lit it. His mind was racing and sitting on the bench he wanted to look as carefree or as normal as possible to the other people in the park. There wasn’t many of them. Two or three walking their dogs but he still wanted to look normal. That was important to him, not showing the world that he felt the way he did, that he felt vulnerable.
As he blew the smoke from the cigarette into the air he tried to calm himself down. He did some breathing exercises that his counsellor had taught him but it was no use. His mind and body were still on edge. Despite knowing that she wanted nothing to do with him he still found it hard to let go. It was to be expected. He had spent so much of his time hoping that he would bump into her. Hoping that they could talk about what had happened between them and now today he had gotten that opportunity.
He was totally unprepared for the meeting. It had come out of the blue, accidentally bumping into her on the street. He tried to reassure himself that things went okay even if it hadn’t been the outcome he had wanted. He went through their conversation for a second time. It had lasted less than ten seconds and had ended with her telling him that she didn’t want to talk to him or talk about the past. It was her coldness that really knocked him. It was one thing being unprepared but he never expected her coldness.
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
That was it. He said goodbye to her and crossed the street. He had no intention of sitting on a bench in the park but felt that he needed to before he made his way home. He needed his head to settle. He had his closure whether he liked it or not he had it. She didn’t love him. She didn’t want to talk to him and she was sure to point out to him that she didn’t want to talk about the past. If he couldn’t move on it was obvious she had or at least it looked like she had.